Katie Bell Goes To Hell
by joolay
Summary: Katie Bell has one fruity family, and sometimes she wishes she lived somewhere else. Read what happens when her wish comes true: and Katie goes to live with her new evil daddy in HELL.
1. A New Home

**_Disclaimer: The greatest mutha effin bitches Jasmine, Christie and Julie do not own Harry Potter. Just this story that they share in harmony. [fights with Christie over the title] O.o  
  
This story will be focused on the MINORITY characters of the Harry Potter universe. You know, those little people that don't get enough respect or acknowledgement. They deserve much better! Well, this is for the little guys! Enjoy!  
  
The first chapter (uhh, this one) is written by Julie.  
_**  
%%%% SCENE ONE:: KATIE'S HOUSE:: %%%  
  
Katie Bell came shuffling down her stairs to the living room. She was in her ducky-feet pajamas and had just woken up from a bad dream. She had dreamed that she was in a darkened room, surrounded by flames and death and screams. Then there had been someone in a long, frilly red trench coat with a goatee. Who could this person be? And what did her dream mean?  
She plopped down on the couch. The fresh morning sunrise was just starting to come in through the window, and it hit Katie's blonde hair, making it look gold.  
Katie stared at the family's Christmas tree. She loved the holiday season, and her family always went all out for it. The tree was sprinkled in false snow, and adorned with miraculous lights and ornaments. The most beautiful ornament off all though, was her dad's Jimmy Dean Sausage one that he had INSISTED on placing near the top. Her dad worked at the Jimmy Dean Sausage Plant, and always brought home free stuff like that.  
Katie stood up from the couch and made her way over to the tree. She tilted her head up to look towards the top, where at the tip was perched the Jimmy Dean Sausage Angel.  
It was a beautiful angel, holding a sausage in her hand, with pork grease all down the front of her dress and on her face. She was also missing a leg, and had a poop stain on her dress near the back that you could see if you looked close enough.  
Suddenly, her dad walked into the living room in his pink bathrobe and fluffy penguin house shoes. He waved at Katie and fiddled with a curler in his hair.  
"What are you doing down here so early, pumpkin? I don't fix breakfast til later. And guess what we're havin!" He danced around the tree on his toes. "Sausages!" He tripped on one of the presents under the tree and knocked the whole damn thing over.  
Katie stared at the crumpled mess of a tree on their living room floor, then waved her wand saying a few words. The tree rose back into place and stood just as grandly as before.  
"Dad, I woke up because I had a nightmare." Katie plopped down in an armchair and turned on the TV, flipping to the History Channel. Her dad sat down on the coffee table in front of her.  
"Pumpkin, tell your daddy what the dream was about."  
Katie kicked him in the shin. "No! It was personal!" She pushed him off the coffee table so she could see the TV better. It was a special about Marine Fighter Planes.  
Her dad lay crumpled and whimpering on the floor. "Pumpkin Pie, why do you always inflict so much emotional pain on me?" Katie was now whacking him with the morning paper.  
"Because you are a fruity bastard that cheats on my mom!" She kicked him in the crotch one last time, then took a deep breath, heading for the kitchen.  
In the kitchen her mom was opening and closing the fridge, laughing as each time she shut it, a waft of air made her hair fly back.  
"Ha ha! Katie you HAVE to try this!" Her mom giggled and continued shutting the door. She then gave up, and walked over to Katie, who was now sitting down at the table with her head in her hands.  
"What's wrong, tampon?" Her mom smoothed Katie's hair. "You look so sad."  
Katie looked up into the bluish greenish grayish brownish pinkish eyes of her mom and sighed.  
"I'm miserable. You and dad are freaks, and because of that none of my friends ever want to come over. Especially since the time dad tried to make Pansy Parkinson give him piggy back rides down the stairs. Which resulted in Pansy losing an eye and dad's weenie breaking off." Her mom's eyes misted over at the mention of her husband's lost member. "I mean, I'm losing friends and I just want to live a normal life!" Katie jumped up from the chair, but her mom stopped her. "Katie, are you ashamed of us?" "Ah huh." Katie pulled away and started for the kitchen door. "I just want to go someplace where I don't have to worry about being your 'perfect pumpkin'. Where I don't have to worry about losing friends to my parents. Where I don't have this hideous mole on my ass, which indeed I inherited from dad!" Katie flashed the mole to her mom, who made a 'whooo' noise and fainted.  
Katie slumped to the floor and burst into tears. Why had she been born into such a stupid family? She wanted another one, a better one. One that she could REALLY be loved by.  
Suddenly, Katie felt as if she weren't alone in the kitchen. Because her mom had slinked off with a can of butter beans. Katie had then been alone crying to herself. But who was here now?  
Katie looked up with tear stained cheeks and blurry eyes to see someone that she knew she had seen before. He had been in her night mare a couple of hours ago.  
It was a tall, built man with horns and a goatee. He had thick black hair that laid in curls, and he was wearing a long red trench coat that dragged the floor. At the end of his legs, instead of feet, were hooves. The man smiled at Katie, and winked.  
"Who the fruit are YOU?" Katie cried, falling backwards on her butt. The man raised an eyebrow and crouched down beside her.  
They were now face to face. "Why, I am Lucifer Jenny Margery HellMyster the Third." Katie made a face. He sighed. "Satan? I'm sure you've heard of me before."  
Katie looked him up and down. "Oh yeah. You're that guy who reeks eternal damnation to all who sin and junk. Yeah, I know you." Katie stood up and dusted herself off. Satan smiled at her, and stood up as well.  
"I overheard in your thoughts that you wished for another family. And since it's the holidays and all, and since I'm the Prince of Darkness and can do whatever I want, I have decided to adopt your sorry ass." Satan bowed, and winked again. Katie just stared at him.  
"Yay! I'll go get my things!" She raced to her room, her new daddy following closely behind. Katie pulled out her suitcase from underneath her bed and started packing.  
Satan opened her underwear drawer and stuffed a few thongs into her suitcase. "I'll help." He said enthusiastically, placing some lacy ones lovingly inside. Katie shrugged and shoved a teddy bear, that was dressed in a tutu and ballet shoes, into her suitcase.  
Katie had been given that bear from her dad after her first ballet recital. The truth was, Katie loved dancing with a passion. She had been dancing since the age of four, but no one knew that because J.K Rowling only focuses in the main characters in her books.  
Satan was digging through her closet, his butt sticking out in the open. Katie kicked it and peered over his shoulder to peer inside.  
"What are you doing?' She asked, watching as he flung several dirty socks aside. Then he pulled out a shoebox and handed it to her.  
"What's in there?" He asked, standing up and dusting himself off. Katie raised an eyebrow and opened the box. She squealed as she saw what was inside.  
"It's my old toe shoes!" She pulled them out and held them to her chest. They were faded pink and dirty, and the laces were straggly. Katie let tears slowly fall down her cheeks.  
Satan beamed and sat down on her bed. "You're welcome."  
Katie looked up at him. "Thank you!" She raced to his side and embraced him in a hug. "I've been looking everywhere for these!" She hugged him again, then placed the toe shoes in the suitcase as well.  
Satan stood up. "Are we ready to go?"  
Katie took one last look at her old room, then nodded. "Where are we going?"  
"Your new home. Hell." And with that, there was a flash of pink smoke, and Katie Bell and Satan were gone.

* * *

A/N: Whoopee! Now it's time for the good parts of this story to start poppin up! What will Katie's new neighbors be like? Will she make friends? Is she going to miss her family? You'll have to see, when the next chapter written by either Jasmine is Christie is up! Chow!..Julie..

P.S- My appologies for that paragraph in the middle...it's all fruity looking. I can't help that the new FF format is shit!

Anyways...REVIEW! REVIEW! And Christie and I shall give a foot massage to your mama.


	2. Hell and Torture!

**Chapter 2: HELL AND TORTURE**  
  
The second chapter (this one, you dingbat!) was written by Christie.  
  
Disclaimer: This is just a lil ficcy written by me, The Wintergreen Custard Man (aka Christie), my sister Jasmine (Jaye), and my friend Julie (aka The Tampon Demon). We don't own Harry Potter, but we most certainly own our own war fleet made up of certified public accountants on heroin. That's nifty. O.o  
  
_Oh yes, please don't flame us. I've already gotten tons of flames for one of my fics.........I warn all future flamers of this fic that if you flame us, I will strand you on a desert island with the host of Fear Factor..........in a bikini. So unless you wish to view Joe Rogan in a bikini, I suggest that you don't flame us. O.o_  
  
_Where we left you off:  
_

* * *

Katie took one last look at her old room, and then nodded. "Where are we going?"  
  
"Your new neighborhood. Hell." And with that, there was a flash of pink smoke, and Katie Bell and Satan were gone.

* * *

**Chapter 2 o.O**  
  
Satan and Katie arrived with another pink cloud of smoke in a pitch-black room somewhere under the earth.  
  
"Daddy, where are we?" Katie asked, massaging her ass. "Are we in Hell yet?"  
  
"Yes," said Satan, who was now her new father, "We are indeed in Hell. I would also like to inform you that I speak Yiddish while wearing yellow aprons from the 1930's."  
  
"That's nifty, but one cannot see in this dark place."  
  
"LIGHT-BOY! TURN ON THE EFFIN LIGHTS, YOU JACKASS!" Katie's father screamed.  
  
Katie heard the quick tapping of heels, and then a light came on, exposing a bright yellow room full of stuffed animals and box upon box of condoms. In the middle of the room, holding a box of Trojan Men, Harry Potter was polishing his high heels (with the pointy toes O.o).  
  
"Hey! Boy! Get back to work!" Satan screamed.  
  
"But I'm polishing my heels!" protested Harry, who was scrubbing his pretty magenta heels with all his might, "They're dirty! I stole them from Kate Hudson."  
  
Katie was confused. What was Harry Potter doing in Hell? This was HER ficcy.  
  
"Harry Michelle, get out now, or I'll kill you."  
  
But Harry did not move. Satan magically summoned a long sword and started dancing with it like there was no tomorrow. Katie and Harry Michelle stood there, confused. Satan then let out a 'whoop' and charged at Harry Michelle.  
  
"No!" Harry screamed. Satan stuck his sword through Harry's stomach. He keeled over in pain and fell to the ground."  
  
"Ahhh..........cheddar cheese." whispered Harry. Then he kicked the bucket.  
  
"Um..........Satan, that really wasn't necessary."  
  
"Yes it was. He's a main character, so I just had to get rid of him." said Satan.  
  
Katie nodded in agreement. "Yes, he was a bitch alright. When am I going to see Hell?"  
  
Satan gestured toward a hideous wooden door, which had light gray eyes and plump lips. It was very ugly. The door was singing "Are You Happy Now?" and reading the New York Times.  
  
"Through that door is your new home, Tampon."  
  
Satan approached the door, which was now happily looking at child porn. Satan tickled the door, and it swung open, revealing the most marvelous city.  
  
"Wow." said Katie, apparently shocked.  
  
Hell was a large city full of blackish-red wooden shacks. At one end of the city, a large stone mansion sat in all of its glory. The park in the middle of the city was strewn with random torture objects, such as an electric chair and a spiky metal ball on a chain.  
  
"Isn't it nice?" asked Satan.  
  
"It sure is, Krap Kake!" exclaimed Katie. "This place rocks my socks!"  
  
"Have you seen the people and the demons yet?" asked Satan.  
  
"No."  
  
Satan gestured towards a group of demons coming out of a ballet school on 89th street. The demons were a pastel pink color. They had fuzzy pink antennas. The demons were chubby and covered in light pink fuzz.  
  
"Heeemie Sheeemie Leezy-uss!"  
  
Satan spoke to the demon in some other language. "Ka-ka. Rolpukkkkkkkooo. Smarmayp unnq Hershey."  
  
Satan turned to Katie and said, "Come with me to your new home. I'm sure you'll like it there."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Katie sat in her new room. It was a beautiful place. Her bed was a canopy bed like the one she had at Hogwarts. The blood-red bed matched her curtains. The walls were also blood red, and so was the floor. Katie walked over to the window and saw her new father carrying out some eternal punishment.  
  
"Hey! Bitch! Open your effin mouth and get up, you suicide hotline!"  
  
Katie's daddy was jumping up and down on a cold stone street in the projects of Hell. On the ground next to him was Ronald Fiona Weasley. Ron was crying hysterically, and Satan was kicking him. Ron's face was smudged with dirt. His hair was long and tangled. He reminded Katie of GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE in an advanced placement calculus class. His light up Barbie sneakers were filthy, and his revealing pink tank top from Delia's was torn. He was not wearing any pants, and his Hanes Her Way panties were red with period stains.  
  
"I said GET UP!" screamed Satan.  
  
Katie laughed to herself. This was certainly amusing!  
  
"Alrighty there, buster." said RonnieKins. Ron got to his feet and reluctantly opened his mouth.  
  
"There. That's better," said Satan, unzipping his pants. "I don't see why you are afraid of my little punishment. You'll be here forever just because you're a main character."  
  
Satan grabbed his member, which happened to be neon green, and aimed his piss into Ron's mouth.  
  
Katie couldn't watch anymore. She did a cartwheel and jumped onto her bed. Just then she heard a knock on the door.  
  
"Come in." she said.  
  
Satan walked in, zipping up his pants. He was holding an envelope. Hermione Ulysses Granger followed, dressed like a damned prostitute named LeRoy.  
  
"I've got something for you," said Satan, dancing on his tippy-toes and chanting in Hebrew.  
  
"What is it?" asked Katie.  
  
"Something special."  
  
Just then, Herms snatched the envelope and hid in a corner. She renamed her father Mercedes.  
  
Satan kicked Hermione and took back the letter thingie. "You'll be doing overtime with me tonight, you sexy bitch." He said to Hermione Ulysses. He turned to Katie. "It's a letter for you."  
  
"Thanks, Papa."  
  
Satan turned on his hooves and walked away, dragging Herms by the hair and spanking her ass.  
  
Katie was glad to get a letter. But who was it from? She opened the letter and read.........  
  
_Dearest Katheryn Peter Bell,  
  
We are oh-so-pleased to hear that you have joined us in Hell. Isn't it just peachy? Anyway, We'd like to meet you in Torture Park tomorrow at noon. Apples?  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Hannah Abbott, Ernie MacMillan, Blaise Zambini, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Dennis Creevey, Alicia Spinnet, Padma Patil, and Mad-Eye Moody's second cousin twice removed_.  
  
Katie was delighted! She'd finally have friends in Hell!

* * *

I wasn't exactly sure how to end this! I hope you liked it. I personally thought it was nifty. Please review, you anorexic police officer named Barbara! Erm.........yes.  
  
WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN KATIE MEETS THE OTHER MINORITY CHARACTERS? WHAT PUNISHMENTS WILL THE MAIN CHARACTERS FACE? AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE AUTHORS SET LIONS ON PAT SAJAK? ALL OF THIS AND MORE COMING UP IN THE NEXT CHAPTER (PROBABLY WRITTEN BY JASMINE).  
  
**Christie**  
  
. 


End file.
